Category Archives: Comedy

Birders Flock To Colne Valley Regional Park To See Coot

Twitchers were in a flap yesterday after new leaked out via twitter that up to 1244 Coot were wintering in the Colne Valley Regional Park near London. Despite the best efforts of local birders not to get excited by over a thousand, basically, black birds the UK400/500ths broke the news embargo on their twitter feed.

A Coot Yesterday

A Coot Yesterday

IQ40 Club spokesman Barry Gagwell said he was racing to the scene and he hoped the Coots would stay around until the weekend… “it could be a very black Friday” he said. Park Ranger, Tower Hamlets said he hoped the park could cope and urged visiting birders to observe the Birdwatcher’s Code Of Conduct and put the welfare of the Coots first. Some of these birds will have come “from as far away as Tring Reservoirs” he ccommented

No-one from the UK400/500ths Club was available to talk but in a written statement received by The Drunkbirder Offices they said the President very much regretted the leak and that he was rather tired after spending days trying to get people interested in a genuine escaped American White Ibis in Kent and writing out certificates of achievement for basically driving 1000s of miles.

Manchester United Retain Red Devil To Appease Satan

In a widely anticipated move Manchester United have decided to retain the Red Devil on their club crest after extending their sponsorship deal with the Devil for another two years. Manchester United famously angered their fans when they dropped the title Football Club when the first entered a deal with Old Nick. At the time a spokesman for the club said that Manchester United and Hell were looking for synergy and did not want to alienate those consigned to eternal damnation who had previously not followed the club.

Satan At Yesterday's Press Conference

Satan At Yesterday’s Press Conference

The new deal thought to be worth £3bn involves a tie with all the World’s major banks and was hailed as a strategic alliance between the club and Hades.  A spokesperson for the Manchester United Very Independent Supporters Association (VISA) Lucy Furr said the deal would safeguard the future of the club and would help them once again to battle the white knights of the Christian Cross, thought by many to be a reference to Real Madrid, on equal terms again in the Champions League.

Northern Lights

Last night the Aurora Borealis or Northern Lights put on a fantastic show in the UK. Social media sites such as Flickr, Facebook and twitter were filled with shots taken by people from Shetland to Kent.

I’m happy to say Leicester shared in the fantastic display. This was a photo I took from my living room at 22.00.

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Aurora Borealis or Northern Lights

Oh, hang on. No! Wait… we saw nothing.

IQ40 Club Sack UKIP Member In “Sluts” Slur

The IQ40 club have sacked UKIP identification panel member Brigadier-General Sir Henry Frightfully-Stupid after he called female Red-necked Phalaropes ‘sluts’ a twitch at High Shincliffe in Durham. The comments were recorded as a birder, who wished to remain anonymous, was videodigiscoping the Yellow-rumped Warbler. The unnamed birder immediately sent them to The Daily Fail,

UKIP

Brigadier-General Sir Henry Frightfully-Stupid at a Grouse Shoot Last Summer

Sir Henry was heard to make the remarks during a discussion about Phalarope breeding behaviour. He shouted out that the females were ‘gaudy  sluts’ and described them as sexually aggressive predators. Sir Henry, unaware his remarks were being recorded also blasted them for not returning to clean their nests but carrying on seducing men by whirling round on the water coquettishly picking midges from the surface.

An IQ40 spokesman said that Sir Henry’s comments did not represent the ‘liberal attitudes that the IQ40 Club wished to engender.’

Sir Henry refused to comment when approached and went off to Lebanon on an illegal hunting trip.

Things You Find In Hedgerows: No1 Pickled Onions

As Leigh and I walked the dogs (Minnie Mü and my sister’s dog Vinnie or Vindaloo) we came across this jar of Haywood’s Pickled Onions in a Hedge in High Lane near Stockport.

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Leicester Llama: Killed By The Internet

I was saddened to hear today about the death of the Leicester Llama. The shock news appeared on facebook. Details are sketchy but it appears The Internet is responsible for this senseless killing. If anyone has any information then the Police don’t want to hear from you.

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Cape Fear

This time Bandanaman™ your luck is out and I will have my revenge… mwahh-hah-hah!

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The Ruby-crowned Kinglet will be mine! All mine… are you prepared for Cape Fear?